Knowing that we’re leaving soon affects my actions in myriad ways. Probably at least once a day, I think about something I might do, a group I might join, potential friends I might reach out to and say “no, no, what’s the point?” We’re leaving soon, so why waste my energies making new friends I will inevitably drift away from shortly after leaving here?

It’s so silly and I know it. Maybe we wouldn’t lose touch. Maybe I could get better at making new friends – a skill I will undoubtedly treasure once we find ourselves in new lands. If something delays us here, even more time to enjoy the groups / friends / activities I thought to spurn.

It’s part of my nature: fatalism. I know how this ends, so why bother? At many points in my life, I can see how this has worked against me. Missed opportunities, bridges perhaps not burned but surely crumbling, time wasted. We may only be here for another year, but that’s a whole year of my life. It’s almost certainly worth my time to engage in the world around me, not always looking ahead to the unknown.

Yesterday I handed off a number of photo books to a friend. It was good to remove objects from my life, even as I felt guilt over the money spent on them and the fact that I hadn’t so much as leafed through a number of them.

In my normal life, I shop for entertainment, as I suspect many Americans do. Instead of fancy clothes, shoes, CDs, etc. that I suspect “regular” folks shop for, I like to go after books and thrift clothing. This keeps entertainment shopping relatively harmless, though not without its costs, obviously. After attending a photo conference last year, I became somewhat obsessed with looking for photo books to purchase. Partly at John’s (the friend’s) insistence that they hold their value. It’s great fun to be on the hunt and to find one’s prize. Less entertaining is finding a spot for all these objects, storing them, caring for them, and ultimately counting them in the inventory of things I’m responsible for. As I get rid of more and more objects, I know I’ll feel a weight lifting off me. It’s fun to acquire, but it is enlightening to remove.

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